One Year Later

I read this somewhere this week.  It's so true when it comes to miscarriage.  How do you say goodbye when you didn't get a chance to say hello?  

It's been a year since my last miscarriage.  And I'm not going to lie, it's been a tough year.  It's been a year where the Lord and I have been working through a lot.  The biggest being my miscarriage.  So, I'm going to share with you my grief one year later.  

The tears seem to be rolling down my cheeks uncontrollably this week. I'll be doing something like folding laundry and the next thing I know I'm crying.  There's just an ache deep in my heart and it comes out in the form of tears.  If I try to hold it back it makes it worse.  I'm embracing letting the tears flow.  The release of emotions is healthy, right?  

All I know is that as I sit and cry I'm not alone.  There are hundreds thousands of other women out there doing the same thing as me, mourning the loss of a child.  And they're not alone either.  I have this vision of Jesus rocking each and every one of us when the weight of our grief is just too much to bear.  And that is a comfort to me.  The Lord doesn't want us to be hurting.  He is there to comfort us.  And He knows exactly what we're going through.  His own son did die on the cross for us.

So, mamas out there who are mourning... go ahead and cry.  

Let it out.  

You're not alone.

Thick Skin and Soft Hearts

Have you ever had one of those conversations where someone says something that just gets under your skin?  Maybe that person meant well, but just chose the wrong words.  I hope I've never been that person, but let's face it... I'm human.  I'm sure I have.  And if it was to you, I'm sorry.

Earlier this week I went to Barrett's school to pick him up.  He rides the bus to school, but I pick him up at the end of the day.  This isn't how we planned for this to go, but after many tears about long days and "missing me" I told him I would pick him up from school every day.  This remedied his sadness during the school day and his teacher made sure she told me that immediately.  He is the first one on the bus in the morning and the last one off in the afternoon.  That makes for a very long day.  I figure if I can shave 30 minutes off of his day by driving 4 minutes round trip, it's worth it.

So, when I was picking him up I ran into his bus driver and she started up a conversation.

Bus Driver: Is he going to be back on the bus in the afternoon?
Me:  I hope so, but it's his decision.  It makes for a very long day.
Bus Driver: Maybe you should have held him back.  We did that with my granddaughter and it was really good.
Me (annoyed): We did.

You know that mama bear that comes out?  Yeah, somehow I kept her under wraps.  Or He kept her under wraps.  There are so many things that I could have said, but wouldn't have made the conversation any better.

He doesn't have issues at school.  He's a good listener.  He's polite.  He doesn't cause problems.  He's always ready to help his friends out.  He's social.  He was READY for Kindergarten, and all day Kindergarten.  He just "misses me" and I miss him when he's gone for that long too.  I like to see the big smile on his face when he sees me standing there waiting for him.      

I try really hard to think and then speak, but it doesn't always happen that way.  So, I'm trying to stop fuming about what Barrett's bus driver said to me today and remember that being a Christian means I need to have "thick skin and a soft heart."  If I let everything that everyone said to me get to me I think I would be a pretty angry person.  Instead, I choose to take a deep breath and vent what she said to Him.

I lay it at His feet.

He takes it.

He's got it.

Amen.

Megan

Let Me Be Honest

After reading the post at She Breathes Deeply today I wanted to had to write this.

I don't want to be one of those people who come across like I "have it all together."  I don't.  I'm a mess.  I'm a work in progress.  I have to surrender to Him over and over every day.  I make mistakes constantly and I don't ever finish everything I want to get done.

You would think it would be a little easier to get things done around here.  I have two kids that can entertain themselves (and the puppy) for a little while.

I have a kitchen that's a disaster (and waiting for my husband to conquer).

I have clean laundry piled up all around me (dirty too, don't let the clean piles fool you).

I have a puppy that thinks ALL of her toys need to be out (I'm pretty sure the boys help her too).

But.  Yep, there's a BUT.  God didn't call me to be a great housekeeper, clothes washer, dish cleaner.  I'm learning to let those go and try to do what He's called me to do.

He called me to follow Him.  Some days it's easier to get my time in with Him.  Some days, it falls to the side and I have guilt.  It's about surrender, constant surrender.  Over and over each and every day.

He called me to be a wife,

a mom,

a Holy Yoga Instructor.

Most days I still don't feel adequate for what He's called me to do, to be.  But, I'm trusting that He's got my life.  He's got me, my husband, my kids.  He's got everything and I just need to trust.  And breathe.

Blessings,

Megan