He is Here

Today I was remembering the circumstances of my doctors appointment one year ago and thinking through all of the emotions that came along with it.  Today was a hard day.  It was a tear filled and sad day.

But, He was here.

It was a day where I saw God in so many places.

He was in my boys' sweet smiles when they woke up.

He was in the text messages from friends checking in and telling me they were praying.

He was in my friend showing up at Target to give me something and then deciding to stay and walk with me while I shopped for 2.5 hours.

He was in the friendly cashier who just smiled and made pleasant conversation when the computer froze and she had to re-ring my ENTIRE order.

He was in the songs that were playing on the radio.

He was in the joy of my boys playing outside today for the first time in what feels like weeks.

He was in the fun dinner conversation about what part of dinner is a protein? vegetable? fruit?

He was in a friend calling me to check in.

He was in the hugs and kisses and tear wipes.

He was here in it all.  Standing firm and never leaving my side.

I want to leave you with the song that left me sobbing.  It was a comforting sob.  He was there in that song.  Amen.

One Year Later

I read this somewhere this week.  It's so true when it comes to miscarriage.  How do you say goodbye when you didn't get a chance to say hello?  

It's been a year since my last miscarriage.  And I'm not going to lie, it's been a tough year.  It's been a year where the Lord and I have been working through a lot.  The biggest being my miscarriage.  So, I'm going to share with you my grief one year later.  

The tears seem to be rolling down my cheeks uncontrollably this week. I'll be doing something like folding laundry and the next thing I know I'm crying.  There's just an ache deep in my heart and it comes out in the form of tears.  If I try to hold it back it makes it worse.  I'm embracing letting the tears flow.  The release of emotions is healthy, right?  

All I know is that as I sit and cry I'm not alone.  There are hundreds thousands of other women out there doing the same thing as me, mourning the loss of a child.  And they're not alone either.  I have this vision of Jesus rocking each and every one of us when the weight of our grief is just too much to bear.  And that is a comfort to me.  The Lord doesn't want us to be hurting.  He is there to comfort us.  And He knows exactly what we're going through.  His own son did die on the cross for us.

So, mamas out there who are mourning... go ahead and cry.  

Let it out.  

You're not alone.

One Step

So, I realize I've been missing for several weeks now.  Between a case of writers block and working through some emotions again it's just been hard to figure out what to write.  I spent a lot of time in December thinking about last December.  I spent December 2012 praying that we would get pregnant.  That we would be blessed with another child.  We found out we were expecting a few days before Christmas last year.  There were so many emotions; shock, amazement, fear.  We started to make big plans.  We were embracing the next chapter.

Then it happened.  The rug got pulled out from under me, under us, and I miscarried.  On February 1st it will have been a year since we lost the baby.  So much has happened in that time.  I'm not the same person I was a year ago.  I never will be.

I was numb for several months.  Sometimes I wonder how I even got out of bed.  Then I remember I had so many prayer warriors praying for me.  The power of prayer is an amazing thing.  It is the greatest gift anyone could give me.

I still have good days and bad days.  Sometimes it just hits me, that we would have been a family of five.  We would have been having another first Christmas with baby number three this year.  I start falling into the pit of the what ifs and the if onlys.

Oh Jesus.  Come.  Drag me out of that pit.

Just because that baby didn't make it into this world, doesn't mean that he (or she) isn't a part of me.  A part of our lives.  That child will be carried with me my entire life.  That child was, and forever will be, a piece of me.

Grief is a process.  A very long process.  Did I say long?  There is not time limit on how long you will grieve.  I remember asking a friend if it ever got easier.  She just replied, "it just changes."

It just changes.  That was some truth.

The most helpful thing I've found is that I need to feel my pain, joy, sorrow, everything.  I can't hold it in.  I need to lay it out before Him and let it go.  Letting it go doesn't mean I forget.  It means that I don't cling to for dear life.  I trust that He's got everything, including me, and keep taking one step at a time.

Just.  One.  Step.  At.  A.  Time.

Joy and Sorrow

Back in January 2013 we told some friends that we were expecting, then they told us they were expecting.  Three days later I had a miscarriage.  Our baby was due at the beginning of September, their sweet baby came at the end of September.  He is beautiful.

I held him for the first time last week.  I cried.  They were tears of joy and sorrow.  I am so joyful that he made it into this world.  I am so thankful that they got their baby.  But I would be lying if I said it's not hard.  That I don't understand why I can't be holding my baby right now.  He (yeah, I just think it was a boy) would be 10 weeks old right now.

On Sunday, our friends had their son baptized.  I'm one of those people that always tears up during a baptism.  I think it's beautiful.  Standing in community and declaring your child is His, it's just beautiful.  Watching them on Sunday, standing up there with their three boys I cried again.  And again they were tears of joy and sorrow.

"Others who have lost children have shared the inability to separate the sorrow from 

the joy in life.  I find that they are inextricably woven, never to be pulled fully from 

each other in this life.  I am reminded of this delicate dance as I think upon the Savior 

whose blood mingled with our freedom.  I am an injured dancer, and yet one who 

wants her life to bring glory to the one who allowed sorrow and joy to dance at all."

- Angie Smith, I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy

Whether I got to meet my child in this life or I meet him in heaven, I still grieve for him.  He was a part of me for a reason.  He was not a mistake.  He was knit together in my womb, even for a short time, for a purpose.  For that I am thankful.  I hope that the 10 short weeks I carried him, he felt loved.  He was, and still is, a gift.  

Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing. (2 Corinthians 6:10)

Peace,

Megan

Laying it at His Feet

I was talking with a friend the other day about surrender.  It's such a hard thing to do.  And God doesn't want me to do it unless I want to.  It's my choice.  It's part of that free will thing.  When I decide to surrender, I have to do it in love.  If I'm not surrendering in love, then I might as well not surrender.

I've been reading Angie Smith's book I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy.  This is an amazing book by the way.  Definitely worth the read!  I'm realizing through reading this I am still working through the grief of my two miscarriages.  I'm still working on fully surrendering those to the Lord.

Anyways... I was reading her book at a coffee shop this morning and this is what I read.

"I literally screamed at the sky while I cried over my own hurt and the hurt of a sister 

I had never met.  He never back down, though, and I am grateful for that love.  It is 

the love of a Father who Himself is well acquainted with sorrow.  It is the love of a 

Father who has lost His Son.  He understands the ranting and the door-slamming.  

The emptiness tat wraps around me when I think of my sweet Audrey.

He knows.

And He only has one request.

Bring it right to Me, Angie.

Every time the anger roars in your heart.

Bring it to Me.

Every time you feel like nobody hears you.

Bring it to Me.

When you think it isn't fair.  When you think it isn't true.  When you can't think at all.

Bring it to My feet, and I will make an altar from your suffering." 

- Angie Smith, I Will Carry You

Whether is grief, life or something else that's overwhelming me.  I can take it to His feet.  I can surrender it to Him in love and He will make an altar from my suffering.  He understands everything that I'm going through.  It's all covered in His love.

I lift my eyes to the mountains - where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2

Peace,

Megan

My Very Special Person - A Guest Post

I am so thrilled to see how God is at work in our lives.  I got an email this morning from my "very special person" from this post.  She wanted to share a little more about her story, how our paths crossed at Holy Yoga retreat, and what God is doing with her since retreat.  So, I introduce LJ.  My sweet friend that God brought me in my time of need.

I feel as though I need to add my story to Megan's, because I am "the very special person...[who] knew exactly what [she] was going through."  Megan's story is moving and my story is moving, but the way our stories connect is amazing and shows just how truly awesome our God is.

Three days before Megan's miscarriage, my husband and I lost our first baby.  God showed me, shortly after it happened, that I would be asked to share my experience with others so that He could love people through me.  This was a hard revelation because it was not something I wanted to discuss, even though I wanted to be used by Him to help people.

Megan was in my small group at the Holy Yoga retreat.  She shared her testimony with us--her struggles with losing her two babies--and I felt God urging me to enter into her grief and walk alongside her.  I refused.  Too vulnerable.  Too scary.  During meditation the next morning, God STRONGLY nudged me (more of a shove, really) to share my story and my pain with Megan.  I wrestled with it for a while, but finally submitted and we began a week-long process of healing together. He turned our mourning into joy and our sorrow into gladness (Jer 31:13)

I came home from Arizona perfectly contented to let the story end there and sing God's praises, for "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Ps 147:3).  But God had bigger plans. My pastor pulled me aside in church and asked if I would speak to a new believer who just lost her baby.  He said he knew that we were keeping it to ourselves, but this woman needs to talk to someone who has been through it and so I came to mind. "I didn't know...is this too soon?"

Not a moment too soon!  A week ago, I would not have been ready, but by God's grace and for His glory, He gave me exactly what I needed when I needed it in order to be equipped to do the work He has for me to do--work that only I can do BECAUSE of my pain here on this earth; my submission to and trust in God's higher plan for my pain; and God's provision, comfort, and love through it all. Isn't that the message of the cross?

I just wanted to share that because Megan was as much a part of my healing process as I was part of hers, and I just think it's incredible how God brought two strangers together who shared the same pain and healed them through the fellowship they share in Christ.  How great is our God!

LJ

God is so good people!  Do you see it?  Do you see how He brings us the people we need?  Are you open to it?

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.  I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. (John 10:27-28)

Blessings,

Megan

My Breaking Point

I've been talking about my miscarriage a lot lately.  This was my second miscarriage, my first happened in June of 2011.  I was clinging to my babies not wanting to forget them, which was making me cling to my pain.  I was afraid to give that over to God because I thought it would make me forget them.  Forget their sweet, innocent, too short lives.

This brings me to my breaking point.  You know you've been there.  It's that point where you can't stand anymore.  You crumble to the floor in a messy pile.  People, I don't get there often.  I have been putting up walls around my heart to protect myself for years.  But, it wasn't protecting me at all.  I was just holding on to everything.

The first night at my Holy Yoga Retreat we did a gentle practice.  I was just excited to do some yoga after traveling all day.  I had no idea what God had planned for me that night.  Not long into the practice and I was sobbing, uncontrollably sobbing.  I was mourning the loss of my sweet babies.  Why did their lives have to end before I got to meet them?  I was not mourning alone, my Holy Yoga family was with me.  As soon as I started showing signs of crying someone was there, right next to me, adjusting my pose to go deeper, to help me release.  They were hugging me and comforting me.  No words needed to be spoken.  I don't know who was comforting me, I don't need to know.  They felt led to come to me and love me.  That is the love of Christ.  That is what Holy Yoga is all about.

After that practice I felt great.  What an emotional release sobbing was.  I felt like I had finally handed it over to God.  Then comes the next morning, after yet another sleepless night.  It's never that easy to get over something.  It took time to get me down into my dark place, it was going to take more time to get out of there.  Tuesday was a rough day.  I wanted to climb into bed and not get out all day.  I felt disconnected and discouraged.  Why was I even there?  Then we had small group and were sharing testimonies.  I went first and shared that I have a hard time seeing where God is through all of this.  I felt alone in it and abandoned.  I didn't even realize it, but I was putting myself out there again, opening up my heart a little bit more.  God brought me a very special person that week that knew exactly what I was going through.  That right there is why I was at this retreat and not in Virginia in October.

Then comes Wednesday morning.  I spent time during meditation asking God "Why?".  I spent time during morning practice asking God "Why?".  So, God led me to my small group leader, Kathi (who has a gift for bringing tears and cheers).  I walked up to her and everything spilled out.  All of my hurt, my anger, my fear.  She listened to it all and said we needed Renee (a woman with a beautiful spirit).  God led Kathi to Renee.  He knew who he could use to break down my walls.  I shared my story with Renee and then we prayed.

People, I've never prayed like that before.  I felt that prayer in my heart.  I felt that wall in my heart crumble and I felt Him take my pain.  He took it for me.  So I wouldn't have to bear it anymore.  I am lighter.  Have I forgotten my babies?  Nope, not once have I forgotten them.  But, I left behind the pain of losing my two babies because I know that He has them and He has me.

I share these part of my story with you today because this JJ Heller video spoke to me today.

To purchase this please go here.

LOVED

Words and Music by Dave and JJ Heller

Do you dream of a home you never had 

An innocence that you cannot get back 

The pain is real

You can’t erase it

Sooner or later you have to face it down 

Down

You have to face it down

You are loved

Do you keep your thoughts inside your head 

Will you regret the things you never said You have a voice

You have to use it

You have a choice

Don’t let them shut you down 

Down

Don’t let them shut you down

You are loved

Do you feel the ache inside your soul

You know you’ll never make it on your own 

Sorrow is too great for you to hold it 

You’re gonna break

Why don’t you lay it down

Freedom comes in letting go

Open up the window to your heart 

Freedom comes in letting go

Open up your heart

This was just the first of many of my walls.  God please help me to let you take more of my walls down.

Can you lay it all down before the Lord and let Him take it? 

Blessings,

Megan  

It's A Process

At lunch yesterday my 3 year old asked me again, "How come we don't have a baby anymore?"  This is one of those questions that he keeps asking.  It pops up randomly in conversation and has been for the last two months (I miscarried a second time in January 2013).  I don't know how to answer it.  I told him that sometimes babies don't make it in their mommy's tummy's and they go to heaven.  He nods his head and moves on, until the next time he asks me.  I'm happy to answer his question over and over again.  

For me, every time he asks I freeze.  I get a lump in my throat.  I have to fight back tears.  It's been a little over 2 months, but it still hurts.  The pain is deep.  The aching heart is still there.  I think I'm over it and then something knocks me to my knees and tears stream down my face.  I pray to be free of the pain.  To be able to let go and fully trust in God's plans.  

I need hope.  

I need healing.  

I need to open my heart so that can happen.

(source)

Blessings,

Megan

  

A Broken Heart That's Trying to Heal

A little history...
I wrote this post 5 weeks ago.  I never intended to post it, it's too painful.  It's been laid on my heart to post it.  I've been struggling with this for the last few days, but it's supposed to be out there.  I'm opening my heart.  So I can heal.  Maybe to help others heal.  This is part of what I'm doing with the Holy Yoga Heart Opener Challenge.  #hyheartopenerchallenge

As I sit her on my bed and type this I don't even know if I will ever post it.  I realize I've been missing for a while.  Well, if I'm honest it's just been a really rough few months.  After missing my Holy Yoga training retreat at the end of October it's been a very bumpy road.  I came to terms with missing retreat.  I must not have been ready or something.  So, I decided to go to retreat in Phoenix in April.  I can't wait, it's only five and a half weeks away.  It will be here before I know it.  I have a feeling that this is the retreat that I was supposed to be at all along.  I am going to get some healing there.  Healing from what?

That brings me to December.  I want to have another baby.  My heart longs for it.  I feel like someone is missing in our family.  This feeling only got stronger after my miscarriage in June 2011.  In December I prayed and prayed that if we were supposed to have another baby, that it please happen.  Please Lord, make this happen.  I was also feeling called to the the Pre/Post Natal Holy Yoga training that was going to start in January and wanted a real obvious reason to start that.  Well, on December 23 I got an answer.  I was pregnant!  We were getting our third baby... finally!  And I was going to do the training.

I was thrilled to be pregnant again, even if my morning sickness was lasting all day long.  I hadn't ever experienced this, but it was worth it.  On January 29th I went in for my first prenatal appointment.  My mom came with me so she could hear the baby's heartbeat.  My in-laws were watching the boys.  We couldn't find the heartbeat, so my midwife sent me to have an ultrasound.  After starting the ultrasound the tech said, "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat."  I'm bawling my eyes out.  why... Why... WHY?  Why is this happening again?  My mom is just rubbing my hand, staying close to me, trying to comfort me.  I called Beau and choked out the words "We lost another one, there's no heartbeat."

My mom and I went back up to meet with my midwife.  They both consoled me, hugged me, loved on me.  Then my midwife explained what happened.  I had a blighted ovum.  An egg was fertilzed, implanted and started to grow.  But, because of a chromosomal abnormality and embryo never formed.  It stopped growing two and a half weeks earlier, but I was still having pregnancy symptoms. My body still thought it was pregnant.  We scheduled an appointment to meet with an OB two days later to discuss our options.  We decided to do a d&c to remove the tissue.  Surgery was scheduled for the next day.

So, let me recap the week for you.
Monday- pregnant
Tuesday- 1st prenatal appointment, found out I miscarried
Wednesday- day at home
Thursday- meet with OB
Friday- surgery

Yeah, I would say that my world was sufficiently turned upside down that week.  I had moments that week where the burden was so heavy, I couldn't stand.  I felt like a pile of mush, a puddle on the floor.  I have amazing family and friends that came up along us and helped out, prayed and listened.  I thank God for putting that support into place.  I couldn't have made it through without the support.

So, here I am writing this a month after my surgery.  My body still thinks I'm pregnant.  My hcG levels still aren't back to normal.  I still ache for the babies I've lost.  I still feel like someone is missing.

For lent I decided to add something to my daily routine rather than take something away.  I decided I would do Holy Yoga every day.  Now, I haven't done it every day, but it's been close.  Almost two weeks ago I got on my mat and prayed.

Lord, I'm so lost right now.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.

I don't feel like I know anything.

Please tell me what you want from me.

What direction do you want me to go?

Amen

I didn't like the answer I got.  This is what I heard.  It was a whisper in my heart.

Sacrifice your third child and birth my ministry

WHAT?!?!?!?!  I knew exactly what He meant.  He meant it's time.  It's time to put my wants and needs aside and do what He's called me to do.  To start up the Holy Yoga Ministry at Messiah UMC.  So, after much prayer, tears, bargaining (never another child or just on hold), discernment and more prayer I am going to do just that.  I am doing what He has called me to do.  As painful as it is to put aside what I want.  I know this is best.  Best for me and for my family.

Found this one on the Rev Wellness facebook page this week... so true!

Friends, I still ache.  The pain of losing two babies will always be with me... even if we have another baby someday.  I just remember this verse.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Blessings,
Megan

Today Was the Day . . .

Today would have been my due date if I hadn't miscarried in June.  It still makes me sad.  It's sad to know that we could have been a family of 5 instead of 4 today.  I know that I will someday get to meet that sweet baby in heaven, but until then I will just think about him or her and smile knowing that he or she is wrapped in God's loving arms waiting for me to come.  

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)


This is a beautiful song by Selah about the love and sadness of losing a baby.

For now, I will just wait to see what God has in his plans for me, for us.

Megan