At lunch yesterday my 3 year old asked me again, "How come we don't have a baby anymore?" This is one of those questions that he keeps asking. It pops up randomly in conversation and has been for the last two months (I miscarried a second time in January 2013). I don't know how to answer it. I told him that sometimes babies don't make it in their mommy's tummy's and they go to heaven. He nods his head and moves on, until the next time he asks me. I'm happy to answer his question over and over again.
For me, every time he asks I freeze. I get a lump in my throat. I have to fight back tears. It's been a little over 2 months, but it still hurts. The pain is deep. The aching heart is still there. I think I'm over it and then something knocks me to my knees and tears stream down my face. I pray to be free of the pain. To be able to let go and fully trust in God's plans.
I need hope.
I need healing.
I need to open my heart so that can happen.