I wrote this post 5 weeks ago. I never intended to post it, it's too painful. It's been laid on my heart to post it. I've been struggling with this for the last few days, but it's supposed to be out there. I'm opening my heart. So I can heal. Maybe to help others heal. This is part of what I'm doing with the Holy Yoga Heart Opener Challenge. #hyheartopenerchallenge
As I sit her on my bed and type this I don't even know if I will ever post it. I realize I've been missing for a while. Well, if I'm honest it's just been a really rough few months. After missing my Holy Yoga training retreat at the end of October it's been a very bumpy road. I came to terms with missing retreat. I must not have been ready or something. So, I decided to go to retreat in Phoenix in April. I can't wait, it's only five and a half weeks away. It will be here before I know it. I have a feeling that this is the retreat that I was supposed to be at all along. I am going to get some healing there. Healing from what?
That brings me to December. I want to have another baby. My heart longs for it. I feel like someone is missing in our family. This feeling only got stronger after my miscarriage in June 2011. In December I prayed and prayed that if we were supposed to have another baby, that it please happen. Please Lord, make this happen. I was also feeling called to the the Pre/Post Natal Holy Yoga training that was going to start in January and wanted a real obvious reason to start that. Well, on December 23 I got an answer. I was pregnant! We were getting our third baby... finally! And I was going to do the training.
I was thrilled to be pregnant again, even if my morning sickness was lasting all day long. I hadn't ever experienced this, but it was worth it. On January 29th I went in for my first prenatal appointment. My mom came with me so she could hear the baby's heartbeat. My in-laws were watching the boys. We couldn't find the heartbeat, so my midwife sent me to have an ultrasound. After starting the ultrasound the tech said, "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat." I'm bawling my eyes out. why... Why... WHY? Why is this happening again? My mom is just rubbing my hand, staying close to me, trying to comfort me. I called Beau and choked out the words "We lost another one, there's no heartbeat."
My mom and I went back up to meet with my midwife. They both consoled me, hugged me, loved on me. Then my midwife explained what happened. I had a blighted ovum. An egg was fertilzed, implanted and started to grow. But, because of a chromosomal abnormality and embryo never formed. It stopped growing two and a half weeks earlier, but I was still having pregnancy symptoms. My body still thought it was pregnant. We scheduled an appointment to meet with an OB two days later to discuss our options. We decided to do a d&c to remove the tissue. Surgery was scheduled for the next day.
So, let me recap the week for you.
Tuesday- 1st prenatal appointment, found out I miscarried
Wednesday- day at home
Thursday- meet with OB
Yeah, I would say that my world was sufficiently turned upside down that week. I had moments that week where the burden was so heavy, I couldn't stand. I felt like a pile of mush, a puddle on the floor. I have amazing family and friends that came up along us and helped out, prayed and listened. I thank God for putting that support into place. I couldn't have made it through without the support.
So, here I am writing this a month after my surgery. My body still thinks I'm pregnant. My hcG levels still aren't back to normal. I still ache for the babies I've lost. I still feel like someone is missing.
For lent I decided to add something to my daily routine rather than take something away. I decided I would do Holy Yoga every day. Now, I haven't done it every day, but it's been close. Almost two weeks ago I got on my mat and prayed.
Lord, I'm so lost right now.
I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.
I don't feel like I know anything.
Please tell me what you want from me.
What direction do you want me to go?
I didn't like the answer I got. This is what I heard. It was a whisper in my heart.
Sacrifice your third child and birth my ministry
WHAT?!?!?!?! I knew exactly what He meant. He meant it's time. It's time to put my wants and needs aside and do what He's called me to do. To start up the Holy Yoga Ministry at Messiah UMC. So, after much prayer, tears, bargaining (never another child or just on hold), discernment and more prayer I am going to do just that. I am doing what He has called me to do. As painful as it is to put aside what I want. I know this is best. Best for me and for my family.
Found this one on the Rev Wellness facebook page this week... so true!
Friends, I still ache. The pain of losing two babies will always be with me... even if we have another baby someday. I just remember this verse.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)