He is Here

Today I was remembering the circumstances of my doctors appointment one year ago and thinking through all of the emotions that came along with it.  Today was a hard day.  It was a tear filled and sad day.

But, He was here.

It was a day where I saw God in so many places.

He was in my boys' sweet smiles when they woke up.

He was in the text messages from friends checking in and telling me they were praying.

He was in my friend showing up at Target to give me something and then deciding to stay and walk with me while I shopped for 2.5 hours.

He was in the friendly cashier who just smiled and made pleasant conversation when the computer froze and she had to re-ring my ENTIRE order.

He was in the songs that were playing on the radio.

He was in the joy of my boys playing outside today for the first time in what feels like weeks.

He was in the fun dinner conversation about what part of dinner is a protein? vegetable? fruit?

He was in a friend calling me to check in.

He was in the hugs and kisses and tear wipes.

He was here in it all.  Standing firm and never leaving my side.

I want to leave you with the song that left me sobbing.  It was a comforting sob.  He was there in that song.  Amen.

One Year Later

I read this somewhere this week.  It's so true when it comes to miscarriage.  How do you say goodbye when you didn't get a chance to say hello?  

It's been a year since my last miscarriage.  And I'm not going to lie, it's been a tough year.  It's been a year where the Lord and I have been working through a lot.  The biggest being my miscarriage.  So, I'm going to share with you my grief one year later.  

The tears seem to be rolling down my cheeks uncontrollably this week. I'll be doing something like folding laundry and the next thing I know I'm crying.  There's just an ache deep in my heart and it comes out in the form of tears.  If I try to hold it back it makes it worse.  I'm embracing letting the tears flow.  The release of emotions is healthy, right?  

All I know is that as I sit and cry I'm not alone.  There are hundreds thousands of other women out there doing the same thing as me, mourning the loss of a child.  And they're not alone either.  I have this vision of Jesus rocking each and every one of us when the weight of our grief is just too much to bear.  And that is a comfort to me.  The Lord doesn't want us to be hurting.  He is there to comfort us.  And He knows exactly what we're going through.  His own son did die on the cross for us.

So, mamas out there who are mourning... go ahead and cry.  

Let it out.  

You're not alone.

One Step

So, I realize I've been missing for several weeks now.  Between a case of writers block and working through some emotions again it's just been hard to figure out what to write.  I spent a lot of time in December thinking about last December.  I spent December 2012 praying that we would get pregnant.  That we would be blessed with another child.  We found out we were expecting a few days before Christmas last year.  There were so many emotions; shock, amazement, fear.  We started to make big plans.  We were embracing the next chapter.

Then it happened.  The rug got pulled out from under me, under us, and I miscarried.  On February 1st it will have been a year since we lost the baby.  So much has happened in that time.  I'm not the same person I was a year ago.  I never will be.

I was numb for several months.  Sometimes I wonder how I even got out of bed.  Then I remember I had so many prayer warriors praying for me.  The power of prayer is an amazing thing.  It is the greatest gift anyone could give me.

I still have good days and bad days.  Sometimes it just hits me, that we would have been a family of five.  We would have been having another first Christmas with baby number three this year.  I start falling into the pit of the what ifs and the if onlys.

Oh Jesus.  Come.  Drag me out of that pit.

Just because that baby didn't make it into this world, doesn't mean that he (or she) isn't a part of me.  A part of our lives.  That child will be carried with me my entire life.  That child was, and forever will be, a piece of me.

Grief is a process.  A very long process.  Did I say long?  There is not time limit on how long you will grieve.  I remember asking a friend if it ever got easier.  She just replied, "it just changes."

It just changes.  That was some truth.

The most helpful thing I've found is that I need to feel my pain, joy, sorrow, everything.  I can't hold it in.  I need to lay it out before Him and let it go.  Letting it go doesn't mean I forget.  It means that I don't cling to for dear life.  I trust that He's got everything, including me, and keep taking one step at a time.

Just.  One.  Step.  At.  A.  Time.

Happy New Year

My life verse is Jeremiah 29:11.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

This year instead of making a new years resolution I decided to choose a word.  I will pray this word for myself and my family for the entire year.  So, what's my word?

I have hopes for this coming year and I'm going to give them to Him.  

Big and Small Prayers

Last week one of Barrett's hearing aids broke.  It started cutting in and out and buzzing.  That means we have to send it in to get fixed.  Unfortunately that usually means he only has one hearing aid for 7-10 days.

Can you imagine not being able to hear out of one ear for a week or more?  I can't.  I tried to wear ear plugs for a weekend once (so I could get a feel for what he hears like without his hearing aids) and I made it an hour and a half.  Ninety minutes friends.  That's all I could do.  It was awful, and I could still hear better than he can without his hearing aids.

So, I prayed over his hearing aids.  I prayed that they would work so we wouldn't have to send the buzzing one in.  I prayed that if we did have to send it in, that it would be faster than usual or we could get a loaner.  I prayed that the transition with the loaner hearing aid would go well.

God answers prayers.  His hearing aid still needed to be sent in to get repaired but, he doesn't have to be without a hearing aid this time.  This time he gets a loaner.  The audiologist had one in the office.  Friends, this is the biggest praise.  I was in tears when I was listening to the voicemail.  He will be able to hear fully while his aid is getting fixed.  He won't have to struggle in school or at home to hear for the next week.

God answers prayers big and small.  Take everything to Him, no matter what.

Praise Jesus!

Megan

Frozen Chicken and Tears

I wanted to make a nice dinner.  I decided I would make a whole chicken in the crockpot. That should be quick and easy, right?  This is coming from the woman who NEVER defrosts her meat ahead of time.  You know, like the night before.  That requires thinking ahead and I don't tend to do that.  I make a meal plan every week, but I don't decide which days we are going to eat which meals.

Anyways, I went to the deep freezer and grabbed my whole chicken.  My whole frozen solid chicken.  My plan was to cut the wrapper off and throw it and the other ingredients into the crockpot.  Dinner done.  Yeah, that was my plan.

This is what happened.  I cut the wrapper off and threw it away, but there was something stuck to the bottom of the frozen chicken.  You know the thing that thing the manufacturers put in there to catch all the juices, it had become a part of the chicken.  In my infinite wisdom I grabbed my knife and started prying the "chicken juice catcher" (yes, that's my technical term) off of the chicken.  As you can imagine this wasn't working very well.  Parts of the chicken juice catcher were coming off, but some of it was still stuck to the chicken.  So, I did what any sane (using the term loosely here) woman would do an screamed at the chicken.  I'm really hoping that I'm not alone in this.  I hope that I'm not the only one that has screamed at her chicken.  Then, I grabbed the knife and stabbed it.  I'm not proud.  Plus, the screaming and stabbing didn't get that darn chicken juice catcher off of the chicken!

I scream, "I hate cooking!  I hate food!"

Now, I'm in tears.  Frustrated.  Feeling alone.  Overwhelmed.  I cry out to Jesus.  Help me!

Then comes this thought.  This frozen chicken is a metaphor for my life.  I had an idea in my mind about how I wanted making dinner to go.  I had a plan, my plan.  I wanted to do it quickly and get it done.

But, God He wants us to savor life.  He wants us to slow down.  Maybe we even have to stop and lay it all down at his feet.  Maybe that involves screaming and tears. He knows the plans He has for me and he wants good for me, for you. (Jeremiah 29:11).  

Defrost the chicken to get dinner made.

It's genius!  It was outside of my thought process, which seems ridiculous in hind sight.  I tossed the chicken in the microwave to defrost and that chicken juice catcher came right off.  And now, a few hours later my house is starting to smell amazing.  All because I chose to go on a different path and switch gears.

I was just going to toss that stupid chicken in the trash.  Throw it away.  But, I stopped.  I prayed.  I asked for help.  The surrender (even on something as small as making dinner) allows Him to take the weight off of our shoulders.  He stands there waiting for us to allow Him to yoke to us.  His yoke is easy and the burden is light (Matthew 11:30).  We just have to ask.

So, I thought I would share the recipe with you.
Crockpot Chicken Dinner
1 Whole Chicken without innards, defrosted (at least slightly)
salt
pepper
sage
Put the chicken in the crockpot and season to taste with salt, pepper and sage.  Or whatever you would like.
celery, I just used what was left in my fridge
carrots, I used 4 large
onion, I used 1/2 of a large white onion
Chop the celery, carrots and onion and add to the crockpot.  I just used what I had.  I'm horrible, I hardly ever measure.  Add 1 cup of water into the crockpot.  Cook on high 6-8 hours.

I'm serving our chicken with butternut squash and a kale salad.

I Have No Words, Just Prayers

One of my friends lost her baby girl a week ago.

Jesus.  I have no words.  Please.  Come.

I have no words.  My heart just aches.  Parents aren't supposed to bury their children.  I want to say the right thing.  I want to do something for them.  There is no right thing to say and there is nothing I can do that can make this ok.

So, what can I do to help?

Right now, all I can do is pray.  All I can do is lean into our Creator, asking Him to give them support.  To give them comfort.  To give them the strength to get through the days, weeks, months and years ahead.

Jesus.  Please.  Come.  Help.  Amen.