So, I realize I've been missing for several weeks now. Between a case of writers block and working through some emotions again it's just been hard to figure out what to write. I spent a lot of time in December thinking about last December. I spent December 2012 praying that we would get pregnant. That we would be blessed with another child. We found out we were expecting a few days before Christmas last year. There were so many emotions; shock, amazement, fear. We started to make big plans. We were embracing the next chapter.
Then it happened. The rug got pulled out from under me, under us, and I miscarried. On February 1st it will have been a year since we lost the baby. So much has happened in that time. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. I never will be.
I was numb for several months. Sometimes I wonder how I even got out of bed. Then I remember I had so many prayer warriors praying for me. The power of prayer is an amazing thing. It is the greatest gift anyone could give me.
I still have good days and bad days. Sometimes it just hits me, that we would have been a family of five. We would have been having another first Christmas with baby number three this year. I start falling into the pit of the what ifs and the if onlys.
Oh Jesus. Come. Drag me out of that pit.
Just because that baby didn't make it into this world, doesn't mean that he (or she) isn't a part of me. A part of our lives. That child will be carried with me my entire life. That child was, and forever will be, a piece of me.
Grief is a process. A very long process. Did I say long? There is not time limit on how long you will grieve. I remember asking a friend if it ever got easier. She just replied, "it just changes."
It just changes. That was some truth.
The most helpful thing I've found is that I need to feel my pain, joy, sorrow, everything. I can't hold it in. I need to lay it out before Him and let it go. Letting it go doesn't mean I forget. It means that I don't cling to for dear life. I trust that He's got everything, including me, and keep taking one step at a time.
Just. One. Step. At. A. Time.