Wednesday, April 24, 2013

My Breaking Point

I've been talking about my miscarriage a lot lately.  This was my second miscarriage, my first happened in June of 2011.  I was clinging to my babies not wanting to forget them, which was making me cling to my pain.  I was afraid to give that over to God because I thought it would make me forget them.  Forget their sweet, innocent, too short lives.

This brings me to my breaking point.  You know you've been there.  It's that point where you can't stand anymore.  You crumble to the floor in a messy pile.  People, I don't get there often.  I have been putting up walls around my heart to protect myself for years.  But, it wasn't protecting me at all.  I was just holding on to everything.

The first night at my Holy Yoga Retreat we did a gentle practice.  I was just excited to do some yoga after traveling all day.  I had no idea what God had planned for me that night.  Not long into the practice and I was sobbing, uncontrollably sobbing.  I was mourning the loss of my sweet babies.  Why did their lives have to end before I got to meet them?  I was not mourning alone, my Holy Yoga family was with me.  As soon as I started showing signs of crying someone was there, right next to me, adjusting my pose to go deeper, to help me release.  They were hugging me and comforting me.  No words needed to be spoken.  I don't know who was comforting me, I don't need to know.  They felt led to come to me and love me.  That is the love of Christ.  That is what Holy Yoga is all about.

After that practice I felt great.  What an emotional release sobbing was.  I felt like I had finally handed it over to God.  Then comes the next morning, after yet another sleepless night.  It's never that easy to get over something.  It took time to get me down into my dark place, it was going to take more time to get out of there.  Tuesday was a rough day.  I wanted to climb into bed and not get out all day.  I felt disconnected and discouraged.  Why was I even there?  Then we had small group and were sharing testimonies.  I went first and shared that I have a hard time seeing where God is through all of this.  I felt alone in it and abandoned.  I didn't even realize it, but I was putting myself out there again, opening up my heart a little bit more.  God brought me a very special person that week that knew exactly what I was going through.  That right there is why I was at this retreat and not in Virginia in October.

Then comes Wednesday morning.  I spent time during meditation asking God "Why?".  I spent time during morning practice asking God "Why?".  So, God led me to my small group leader, Kathi (who has a gift for bringing tears and cheers).  I walked up to her and everything spilled out.  All of my hurt, my anger, my fear.  She listened to it all and said we needed Renee (a woman with a beautiful spirit).  God led Kathi to Renee.  He knew who he could use to break down my walls.  I shared my story with Renee and then we prayed.

People, I've never prayed like that before.  I felt that prayer in my heart.  I felt that wall in my heart crumble and I felt Him take my pain.  He took it for me.  So I wouldn't have to bear it anymore.  I am lighter.  Have I forgotten my babies?  Nope, not once have I forgotten them.  But, I left behind the pain of losing my two babies because I know that He has them and He has me.

I share these part of my story with you today because this JJ Heller video spoke to me today.

To purchase this please go here.


Words and Music by Dave and JJ Heller
Do you dream of a home you never had 
An innocence that you cannot get back 
The pain is real
You can’t erase it
Sooner or later you have to face it down 
You have to face it down

You are loved

Do you keep your thoughts inside your head 
Will you regret the things you never said You have a voice
You have to use it
You have a choice
Don’t let them shut you down 
Don’t let them shut you down

You are loved

Do you feel the ache inside your soul
You know you’ll never make it on your own 
Sorrow is too great for you to hold it 
You’re gonna break
Why don’t you lay it down

Freedom comes in letting go
Open up the window to your heart 
Freedom comes in letting go
Open up your heart

This was just the first of many of my walls.  God please help me to let you take more of my walls down.

Can you lay it all down before the Lord and let Him take it? 



  1. Megan-This is a beautiful post! I am so glad that you were able to turn this over. I also cried tears at retreat that had been building for a long, long time. I feel so much better now that they are out! Our daughter in law had a miscarriage this fall, so I know a bit of your pain. We were all so devastated. Hugs!

    1. Thank you Susan. Hope your daughter in law in doing well. Hugs to you too!

  2. Megan - thanks for sharing. I miss you and will be praying for your journey. He has you...relax and know that he has you...and your babies...and your children...and your husband. He has you. Marty

    1. Thanks Marty! Miss you... maybe we'll run into each other on our mats soon :)